I said I would..

I said I wasn't going to eat for those two days.
Wrong. I failed...of course.
It's time to start back up....

On Monday...I didn't even make it past lunch time.
On Tuesday - I had a lunch AND a pasta dinner.
On Wednesday - was the inevitable big meal day with Lucas - our valentines date
On Thursday - a huge food outing with a group of friends - sushi.. a lot of it...wasted money after I purged it all. And oh yeah..before the huge food outing...fucking two slices of pizza & a soda.
On Friday - a buffet... a fucking buffet...seriously. A five star wonderful, delicious buffet where I tried desperately not to think about how much of a bad person I am for enjoying it so damn much.
On Saturday - a small breakfast, pasta lunch & a piece of candy ( i know right?)

It's amazing how much you eat in a week - How much food goes into our mouths and how fatty they are.
I have this classmate - she always complains, "ugh I'm getting so fat," She can't be more than 115...I seriously want to bitch slap her point blank and push her in front of car yelling, "Fuck you, you think you're fat! Try being close to 170 damned pounds! You don't what FAT is!"

I try to skip meals and try try try NOT to purge..I know it NEVER leads anywhere pretty.
Usually I'll keep breakfast - oats usually, a glass or two of water & a coffee.
I try to get rid of either lunch or dinner.
I can't seem to go a whole day without at least one of those.
but then again - maybe I'm just not trying hard enough.

I'm afraid of failing.
What if I can't do it?
What if I just get fatter?
What if I'm not strong enough?
Maybe I should just give up & be a cow.
Who needs beauty and self-love anyway?


................I do.