Salads?

Okay so I know it's been a while.

I have no idea if I'm gaining or losing... I'm not exactly allowed to have a scale in my house.
More on that in another blog

Lucas and I have been eating out more and more.
I mentioned in my last blog - my favorite place to eat, the only place that I don't hate myself for eating at is Shabu Shabu places
where you cook everything in a hot pot of simple soup base and like 95% of the meal is soup base and boiled veggies which is only 2d in healthy to steaming.
but we don't always go to places like that...sometimes we go to normal restaurants.

So..what do I get from there?
Recently..I've taken to eating salads.
Which is TOTALLY what I should have been fucking doing from the beginning.

I cut out rice completely ( i love rice..)
I cut out any kind of sugary drinks...or anything other than water.
I try to stop the sweets.... I fail sometimes :(

So basically my two bevarages now are Water & coffee (which I've cut down my milk/sugar for)
I drink skimmed milk if I have to.

It really struck me - when I saw this photo:

Can I just say... That is fucking disgusting...how much calories some things can have..and not fill you at ALL.

This is what sparked me to start eating mostly vegetables if I must.

I can't seem to ease myself into not eating at all...so instead I thought, FOR NOW - I'll change what I eat.

I eat leafy veggies..carrots...maybe an orange or something.

With no dressing & if it must be dressing - it can be only vinaigrette.

I think it's helping.

I hope it's helping.

It does fill you up.. but I have to fight back the cravings for yummy things.

I'm still doing that coffee thing... but I can't do it too much as it flares up my hyper acidity.

I don't want to be so fat anymore.

whaattt???

I was wondering last night.
After shoveling load fulls of food from this hotpot restaurant where they give you gigantic plate of veggies and a plate of meat or something in a pot of soup in front of you & you make your own soup.
Anyway - I was wondering while I munched away with Lucas there...if he notices how I feel about myself.
If he's aware.

I think he is...a little bit.
I want to tell him, but he might just think it's silly & I'm being over dramatic and laugh.
He does that a lot - if I'm talking too "deep"
He laughs or tries to make a joke about it.

Like if I'm trying to get a good look at him, and my look lingers...he makes a face.

He thinks he's being sweet, or funny..It makes me feel terrible.
Told him so - but it's part of his character to laugh.
Just hate it when he laughs at my feelings - at least that's what it feels like.

I woke up today feeling guilty.
Always guilty...and I should be..all the shit I eat.

It's kind of like I don't know how to control myself - my mouth is always open...
I can't seem skip a meal out of force of habit...I HAVE to eat SOMETHING
Even if I'm not Hungry!!
which doesn't make any fucking sense.
How do I just stop it?
fuck.


I'm such a fucking pig.

Trial & Review: "Leisure 18 Slimming Coffee"

Okay - so..
I'm not big on diet pills, drinks, teas and junk because they're so expensive & they just seem like they never work or they do work, then you stop taking them & IMMEDIATELY gain back what you had lost in double.
I tried a diet pill once - all it did was flair up hyper-acidity and it was really uncomfortable...I would rather just drink good ole green tea.. (which I hate the taste of...)
Anyway - I have a colleague who swears by this stuff - this Leisure 18 Slimming Coffee from Asia. I wasn't sure how I felt about it - but she gave me a box for free to try so...I figure why not. Plus - from Asia, it's pretty cheap to begin with. They have other flavors like mango juices, orange juice, grape, etc.
Before trying it out, I looked up reviews, some saying it's so awesome & works with no side effects & they lost so much & love it..others saying after a week and a half they were so immobilized, sick and weak with diarrhea all over the place & hyper-acidic to the point of pain...

Jeez....

One girl said to switch off - one week using it, one week rest, one week using it - etc. which I think is what I'm going to do - unless I feel fine, then I might just keep going with it.

The box comes with 18 packets good for 18 days, it doesn't really come with a lot of information on what's in it & how it works, just a little 1 page pamphlet in broken English complete with spelling and grammar errors which I have typed below verbatim:

The box & one of the packets

"It is called: 'Leisure 18 slimming coffee'

This product has been made of Brazil original forest small black coffee and natural plant "gamboges fruit, (HCA), and with scientific proccessing with precise extraction, Is a pure natural, healthy, safe with no side effect slimming product. It is not a common coffee, is a slimming product of the specific result through many year repeated research as well as spending large amount of the ressearch fund by the America Kangshi Lainuo International Medical Research Center.

Magic effect of the slimming coffee, drinking it you will be slender in only 18 days This product is delicious tests and can reduce fat. Drinking this coffer you can enjoy the elegant pieasure while your figure becomes slender and charming. Have you ever imagined this magic? Yes, it is the time now. This is the promise of leisure 18 slimming coffee to the beauty."

Let's stop there - I don't know about you...but it makes me nervous drinking a coffee product that misspells coffee as coffer on their information packet....

But I figure...what the hell...what do I REALLY have to lose drinking this coffer, right? 

I'm doing it for a week & I'll keep this entry updated based on my experience & what I eat.
I'll try to be as honest as possible.

Day 1: The taste is really bland...so I mixed in some instant coffee to make it taste a little better. It sort of has a hazelnut taste to it - but it's not so yummy by itself..

You're supposed to drink it 30 minutes BEFORE a meal, but you have to eat something or else the hyper-acidity comes a knockin - so I did. I ate three bites of my food, big glass of water & I felt full enough to stop. So I did.

After that, I didn't feel hungry for the rest of the day - but I had a family dinner & I was obliged to eat and some of them were looking at me & my empty plate for a little while...then I put food on it and ate some sushi. I didn't feel hungry for the rest of the night.... I had a donut shoved in my face by a stupid aunt trying to convince that "thick women are sexy - they bear good children" what the fuck? so I had to smile and eat it... I refused another one saying I was too full..and honestly.. I was, it made me feel full fast.

Day 2: I had my coffee mixed with a bit of instant again - another donut shoved in my face..thank god it was the last one - people really eat donuts at 930 in the morning?? I took a couple of bites and threw the rest in the toilet... resisted the urge to purge - I didn't want to get rid of the coffee too. So I guess.. I'm keeping that fat :/

I found that when it was time to go bathroom - it was soft & there was a lot, even if I didn't eat that much.

I'm also peeing a lot (sorry..no elegant way to say that) so I'm keeping my water intake kind of high - drinking green tea to help stay hydrated.

But I'm not hungry - and anything that will help me do that...I'm happy about it.

I'm attending a study group at a little cafe - so I might have something to drink there. I'm packing my own apple and banana snacks so I don't feel tempted to eat pastries or anything & for if I get hungry.

I'll update more later on throughout the day.

Day 3: Had to skip today & had a milk tea with no sugar at that cafe i mentioned - I stayed at Lucas's apartment and I couldn't drink it in front of him without him asking what it was & I would feel too guilty hiding the packet. So I just skipped - but I felt the hunger pangs.
Lucas and I ate at this place where you cook your own food. You order a set of raw, thinly sliced meat & they give a HUGE plate of veggies & you can choose whether you want noodles or not & then you cook it in a pot of soup.
It's one of the few places I don't feel guilty eating at. The whole meal for me is basically vegetables & hot water.
Lucas mostly eats the meat & I give him half of my noodles.

Day 4: I dunno what happened..I ended up eating a sandwhich in the morning... a bag of chips, a chocolate bar, some mints for lunch. I couldn't purge because I was with a girlfriend all day and she's suspicious. My excuse is usually I feel nausea if I overeat - which is true..but not exactly for natural reasons..
The worst part is I didn't even FEEL hungry.
But I ate anyway...why?
I guess it's just for the exercise of eating...like breaking a habit.
It can't happen anymore.
No dinner...felt fine.

Day 5: Fail....but I'm not sure. I went without breakfast...which I usually try to always have SOMETHING since it makes me feel less hungry throughout the day...but I skipped it.
I had a fatty lunch of Ramen (not the instant kind) at a restaurant with a friend. The soup part isn't so bad...the freaking starchy noodles part is bad.
Felt full really fast. Didn't have dinner - no hunger pangs

Day 6: It's only just begun - I'll keep going beyond the week. I'm going to drink it in 30 minutes.
I feel hungry - but it feels kind of good. 

I need motivation...

Why can't I just do it?
Why can't I just fast without the big binge afterwards?
Am I not motivated enough? Is that it?

I have beautiful thin girls all around me - i don't get how they do it...is it just metabolism? Should I get boosters for my metabolism?
Am I overeating? Not really..
Am I undereating?...Not really.

This can't be my plateau...I refuse to believe this is a plateau.
This is a gigantic plateau if it is...

I want that strong voice in my head that helps me.
I need the self control.

Do I really like food MORE than I want to be thinner?
Is the food more important to me?
I want to say no....but now I'm not sure which is more important.

Lucas - he loves eating, I love making him happy & his favorite dates are those which involve yummy food and some movies - which usually come with snacks.
I can't blame him though - my lovely Lucas...I could also say no, bring my own snacks (apples - or just not eat) but maybe, a little bit...I resent him for it?
I love him - he's very kind. He doesn't know that I feel this way about myself - he doesn't know anything.
He mentioned once that I was chubby (he didn't mean it in a bad way, he called it cute..)... I crashed down on myself.
I've been sitting on that for a while - it was as if his comment was the last card that my little card castle could handle and it fell down.

But I still can't seem to get it into myself to stop eating so much...
Today - I'm going to try to skip a meal.
Just one
Consider it calorie restriction.

From Lookbook - isn't she lovely?

I already had a bowl of Special K cereal with a bit of skim milk(btw don't drink Soy milk unless you work out like a boss...or else that shit makes you fatter)
I had water & coffee.
Bringing a water bottle with me so I can just keep drinking water and coffee...
Pack my own lunch of bananas (2 of them) and an apple - I'll have some vitamins so I don't lose out or become one of those girls who start to GAIN weight when they constrict calories (yeah..that shit is true too)
I still have 55 lbs to drop.

I said I would..

I said I wasn't going to eat for those two days.
Wrong. I failed...of course.
It's time to start back up....

On Monday...I didn't even make it past lunch time.
On Tuesday - I had a lunch AND a pasta dinner.
On Wednesday - was the inevitable big meal day with Lucas - our valentines date
On Thursday - a huge food outing with a group of friends - sushi.. a lot of it...wasted money after I purged it all. And oh yeah..before the huge food outing...fucking two slices of pizza & a soda.
On Friday - a buffet... a fucking buffet...seriously. A five star wonderful, delicious buffet where I tried desperately not to think about how much of a bad person I am for enjoying it so damn much.
On Saturday - a small breakfast, pasta lunch & a piece of candy ( i know right?)

It's amazing how much you eat in a week - How much food goes into our mouths and how fatty they are.
I have this classmate - she always complains, "ugh I'm getting so fat," She can't be more than 115...I seriously want to bitch slap her point blank and push her in front of car yelling, "Fuck you, you think you're fat! Try being close to 170 damned pounds! You don't what FAT is!"

I try to skip meals and try try try NOT to purge..I know it NEVER leads anywhere pretty.
Usually I'll keep breakfast - oats usually, a glass or two of water & a coffee.
I try to get rid of either lunch or dinner.
I can't seem to go a whole day without at least one of those.
but then again - maybe I'm just not trying hard enough.

I'm afraid of failing.
What if I can't do it?
What if I just get fatter?
What if I'm not strong enough?
Maybe I should just give up & be a cow.
Who needs beauty and self-love anyway?


................I do.

Two Days only.

from CollegeCandy.com

An inevitable, inescapable meal.
A 'romantic' meal in 2 days time dictated by halmark.
That's when you're going to eat no matter what.
Can the gluttony - the weakling control herself?
Hold on for two days, say no for two days only.
That's not much - look, hold up your fingers...one...two..that's it.
Promise they don't go down your throat.
Because they will if they have to - and you know how you hate that.
Black coffee and apples.
You can have black coffee and apples..or a banana.
Water - drink water. That's better than apples.
Black coffee and water.
Just two days.
You can do it.
You can be lovely too.

Trying for a new beginning?

I have always been chubby.
I am chubby.
I'm five feet tall, 22 years old and I weigh between 160 and 170lbs.
My Goal weight is 115 or 120lbs.
I think I would be happy there.

I have NEVER been able to control myself around food. It wasn't until recently when I've started to seriously try and diet that I've realized how out of control I am.

It's sickening. My arms jiggle when I move, you can grab the fat on my stomach in folds - fistfuls of it.
My thighs SMASH together as if there's not enough space in the world for all of this fat.
I've tried and tried to go without food...I can barely make it a fucking day I'm so damn weak.

I'm also alone.
I can't talk to anyone about this, I've seen how it goes, "no you're not fat, no you're beautiful - blah blah blah"
suddenly people start paying attention to what your eating because they don't want you to get, "sick" and start forcing you to eat..or tell other people about it. It would be ridiculous.

No.I can't tell anyone around me I feel this way - I have to lie, I have to tell them and make them think I love myself so that they don't know.

This is why I'm starting this Pro-Ana efforts blog.
Maybe other people are out there - maybe other people can help me.
I'm afraid that I can't control myself...I'm afraid someone will find this blog & know it's me. I'm afraid I'm going to try..and nothing is going to happen - or I can't do it because I'm too weak.
I will be fat forever.

I fail constantly. I fail heavily - and sometimes I do try to make myself throw it up if I've overdone it.
I make myself feel bad while it happens hoping that perhaps it will teach me a lesson to be better next time & just NOT eat as much.

I don't know - I don't know how to start.
Cold turkey?
Ease into it?

How do I lose 50 or 60lbs 5 months?
That doesn't seem too bad right?
Is it possible to lose 10lbs a month?

How? I don't know what to do.
Is there anyone out there?