Trying for a new beginning?

I have always been chubby.
I am chubby.
I'm five feet tall, 22 years old and I weigh between 160 and 170lbs.
My Goal weight is 115 or 120lbs.
I think I would be happy there.

I have NEVER been able to control myself around food. It wasn't until recently when I've started to seriously try and diet that I've realized how out of control I am.

It's sickening. My arms jiggle when I move, you can grab the fat on my stomach in folds - fistfuls of it.
My thighs SMASH together as if there's not enough space in the world for all of this fat.
I've tried and tried to go without food...I can barely make it a fucking day I'm so damn weak.

I'm also alone.
I can't talk to anyone about this, I've seen how it goes, "no you're not fat, no you're beautiful - blah blah blah"
suddenly people start paying attention to what your eating because they don't want you to get, "sick" and start forcing you to eat..or tell other people about it. It would be ridiculous.

No.I can't tell anyone around me I feel this way - I have to lie, I have to tell them and make them think I love myself so that they don't know.

This is why I'm starting this Pro-Ana efforts blog.
Maybe other people are out there - maybe other people can help me.
I'm afraid that I can't control myself...I'm afraid someone will find this blog & know it's me. I'm afraid I'm going to try..and nothing is going to happen - or I can't do it because I'm too weak.
I will be fat forever.

I fail constantly. I fail heavily - and sometimes I do try to make myself throw it up if I've overdone it.
I make myself feel bad while it happens hoping that perhaps it will teach me a lesson to be better next time & just NOT eat as much.

I don't know - I don't know how to start.
Cold turkey?
Ease into it?

How do I lose 50 or 60lbs 5 months?
That doesn't seem too bad right?
Is it possible to lose 10lbs a month?

How? I don't know what to do.
Is there anyone out there?