whaattt???

I was wondering last night.
After shoveling load fulls of food from this hotpot restaurant where they give you gigantic plate of veggies and a plate of meat or something in a pot of soup in front of you & you make your own soup.
Anyway - I was wondering while I munched away with Lucas there...if he notices how I feel about myself.
If he's aware.

I think he is...a little bit.
I want to tell him, but he might just think it's silly & I'm being over dramatic and laugh.
He does that a lot - if I'm talking too "deep"
He laughs or tries to make a joke about it.

Like if I'm trying to get a good look at him, and my look lingers...he makes a face.

He thinks he's being sweet, or funny..It makes me feel terrible.
Told him so - but it's part of his character to laugh.
Just hate it when he laughs at my feelings - at least that's what it feels like.

I woke up today feeling guilty.
Always guilty...and I should be..all the shit I eat.

It's kind of like I don't know how to control myself - my mouth is always open...
I can't seem skip a meal out of force of habit...I HAVE to eat SOMETHING
Even if I'm not Hungry!!
which doesn't make any fucking sense.
How do I just stop it?
fuck.


I'm such a fucking pig.